At first, I thought I would never feel this kind of feeling, a feeling that I couldn't describe clearly. I just feel anger piled up inside my chest. I always try to press it down, squeeze it, and fill my days with many things that will divert my brain to overthink about it.
However, that night.....I couldn't even close my eyes for even a second....not even once. I was very tired and weak in the morning, tried to do my morning routine, preparing the kids' lunchboxes, taking them to school, and Thursday paddling, just to make my body more tired so I could sleep directly once I reached home.
Once again, I only felt anxious, angry, and disoriented. I can't close my eyes yet......
I turned on binaural sounds from my spotify, after picking up the girls, an hour's nap was not a decent replacement for a sleepless night, but it was enough to clear up my head. That evening, I tried to talk about my feelings with my husband, analyzing what had happened to me. All the anger, the stuffy feelings inside my chest.
It helps, even though I can't write the details here, talking about things that I've been angry about helps me to define my feelings. Turned out, it was not only one, and that week I remembered there was one accident that made me feel like I was a total idiot and a disaster. And another simple thing that triggered me to be angry.
For the first time in my life, I feel that adult life already took away my carefree and selfish life. The suppression of feelings already turned me into a different person. I could not channel my disagreement, dislike, also hatred at some point, easily.
I wish I would never experience the same things again. I will try to find an outlet to channel any unpleasant things.
